Why are Christians so disagreeable?

Why are Christians so disagreeable when they have disagreements?

When I have a disagreement at work, we are usually civil and respectful and polite with each another. When I have a disagreement at church, it often turns into an all-out holy war, complete with pillaging, ransacking, and slaughter.

Here’s an example.

Me: Something needs to change with our worship service. Most people don’t really worship during the service, and most of our songs are not really worship songs.

Him: I think our worship is fine! And if you don’t think it’s fine, then there’s something wrong with YOU! Who are you to judge if other people are truly worshiping?

Me: No, I don’t mean to judge anyone. I’m just saying that I notice people texting, talking, and looking around during worship. It seems that their focus is not really on the Lord. And our songs are not worship songs. We sing songs about Christian living, heaven, evangelism, and so on, but we don’t sing songs that praise God.

Him: You need to stop judging. You’re like the Pharisees – looking at other people and thinking that you’re superior to them. You need to repent of your pride.

Me: I know that I’m not perfect, but I’m just asking if we could make some changes to our worship format and our song selection so that we could be more focused on praising God.

Him: Instead of criticizing and condemning church leadership, you should be joyfully participating in our worship along with the rest of the congregation.

Me: No, I’m not criticizing or condemning anyone, I’m just trying to make some suggestions to improve our worship.

Him: Only God can see your heart, but I urge you to get alone with God, examine your motives, and repent of your hypocrisy. Your cynicism about church is sowing discord, and that is hateful to God.

We never get around to discussing the issues because the conversation turns into an inquisition about my personal motives. My original subject drops into the background and the problem becomes ME. And it’s usually implied in a dysfunctional, passive-aggressive, pseudo-spiritual manner: “It’s not my place to judge you, but I beseech you to get alone with God and search your heart ….” But if I have a disagreement at work, it’s usually productive and respectful. Here’s an example.

Me: Something needs to change with our software development process. Most of our engineers don’t use appropriate development practices, so most of our products have design flaws and are hard to maintain.

Him: I’m really surprised to hear that. But I respect you and your opinion. Let’s sit down and talk about it. I’d like to hear your perspective, including your ideas for how we can improve. I’ll get a meeting on our calendar.

We don’t always agree, but we can at least have a discussion without personally attacking each other. If work was like church, the above conversation might go like this.

Me: Something needs to change with our software development process. Most of our engineers don’t use appropriate development practices, so most of our products have design flaws and are hard to maintain.

Him: I think our software is fine! And if you don’t think it’s fine, then there’s something wrong with YOU! Who are you to judge if our engineers are using proper design practices?

Me: No, I don’t mean to judge anyone. I’m just saying that in my opinion, our software is not designed with a good understanding of requirements, and that makes it difficult to test and maintain.

Him: You need to stop judging. You’re like the Pharisees – looking at other people and thinking that you’re superior to them. You need to repent of your pride.

Me: I know that I’m not perfect, but I’m just asking if we could make some changes to our software design lifecycle and provide some training to our staff so that our product could be more robust and better connected with our customers’ needs.

Him: Instead of criticizing and condemning our company’s management, you should encourage our software development team.

Me: No, I’m not criticizing or condemning anyone, I’m just trying to make some suggestions to improve our software development process.

Him: Only God can see your heart, but I urge you to get alone with God, examine your motives, and repent of your hypocrisy. Your cynicism about our company is sowing discord, and that is hateful to upper management.

It’s laughable to imagine that kind of conversation at work. It would be worthy of a Dilbert cartoon. But that type of conversation seems typical for church. I get the impression that criticism and suggestions are not allowed.

If a company reacted that way to criticism, then the company wouldn’t last very long – or I would get tired of working there and find another job. But it’s easier to change jobs than to change churches. Church is family. If you work for a dysfunctional company, no problem – just find somewhere else to work. But what if you belong to a dysfunctional church family? I could change churches, but it’s hard. That’s where my relationships are. That’s where my spiritual connections are.

I don’t understand. I think that Christians, above all people, should be willing to hear criticism and look for ways to improve. But the exact opposite is true. Non-Christians are more willing to listen and learn, while Christians are often stuck in their ways, resistant to correction, and resentful of criticism.

The other thing I don’t understand is that the same people who respond so bizarrely to criticism at church respond rationally at work. I know people at church who are very successful and capable at their jobs, but for some reason, when it comes to church, those same people become unreasonable and irrational.

I think of a testimony that I read many years ago: “I spent my whole life looking for the truth. Now that I’ve found it, I’ve stopped looking.” I appreciate the sentiment, but actually it typifies the problem with many Christians: they think they have all the answers and so they don’t need to learn anymore.

I’m a Christian too, but my faith in Jesus makes me MORE open to learning, not LESS open. I’ve found the One who is the source of all knowledge, and I want to take advantage of that to learn as much as I can. I’ve found the One who gives eternal life, and that motivates me to improve myself for eternity. I’ve found the King of Kings, and that makes me want to become a better citizen of his kingdom. I’ve found the perfect Father, and that makes me want to be a better son. My faith makes me want to change, not remain stagnant.

Don’t get me wrong:

• I know that there’s a lot of vitriol out there in the world, and I’ve experienced my share of rudeness with non-Christians.
• I’ve had many wonderful, respectful, helpful conversations with Christians with whom I disagree.
• I confess that I myself have too often been the source of disrespect in conversations with other Christians.

But in my experience, it’s usually easier and more pleasant to disagree with non-Christians than with Christians. I’m more likely to leave an argument with bad feelings if the other person is a Christian and the topic of conversation is spiritual.

Hugh Binning (1627–1653), writing about John 13:35, said that love is the “badge that Christ left to his disciples: if we cast this away on every disagreement, we disown our Master, and disclaim his token and badge.” Francis Schaeffer (1912-1984) wrote an entire (highly recommended) book about this idea: The Mark of the Christian.

I want to wear the badge of Jesus. I want to be a Christian who can disagree without being disagreeable, and who can argue without being argumentative. I want to be marked not by disagreeableness, but by love; not by unpleasantness, but by kindness; not by meanness, but by gentleness. Christians disagree about many things. Can we agree that love is more important than our disagreements?